Inspired by The Onion and Andy Borowitz…. My latest on the Times of Israel.
The recent death of Hamas military chief Ahmed Jabari has led Israeli transportation officials to fear that driving in the Middle East is even more dangerous than initially thought. The chief’s life was lost Wednesday afternoon when an Israeli plane dropped a missile on him during the launch of Operation Pillar of Defense. The high-profile nature of the incident caused the Israeli Ministry of Transportation to reevaluate whether all is being done to ensure the safety of drivers in the region.
“Any deaths on our roads are regrettable,” said a ministry spokesman. “Unless they are of terrorist douchebags.” He added that more disturbing than the loss of life is that Jabari was not wearing his seat belt when he met his maker.
In an effort to reproduce the accident in a laboratory, bombs were dropped on cars holding crash-test dummies. While the dummies were predictably “killed”, they did not go through the windshield.
Initial reports indicate that in the days since the killing, Gaza drivers have been more likely to purchase vehicle add-ons, especially the optional anti-missile roof.
The ministry spokesman added, “our goal continues to be to make the roads as safe as possible. We implore drivers to do their best to not bring the stresses of life in the Middle East into their vehicles. Anger behind the wheel only leads to more accidents.” He believes that Jabari surely would have experienced an increase in road rage had his ass not been blown to high heaven.
Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh did not return a phone call but did release a statement saying, “we will not stop fighting until we drive all the Jews into the sea. Unfortunately now, we have one less driver.”
It is unknown whether Jabari signaled before his death.